I Struggle with Accepting Myself

You are what you think.

I truly believe this statement wholeheartedly. Yet, I don’t follow this concept like I should. You see, I have always been a negative person growing up. I put on a facade to people that I’m this nice and positive person. But little do they know that deep down I’m not. I’m melancholic and moody. I am deeply negative but I try to be positive. Junior year I couldn’t keep up with the facade. My world came crumbling down and I just grew increasing angry at the world. Every thought I had was negative, negative, and negative. I was always mad at people and most of all my life.

Senior year has been a lot better than junior year but not as great as it could have been, but it’s a huge improvement. I’m slowly learning that I don’t need to impress people and that it’s okay to be myself and that I don’t need to be this cookie cutter nice person that everyone thinks I am or that I think people see me as.

Yet as I write this I still struggle with thinking positively and with accepting myself. I know I am worth loving and respecting. I know that I’m someone important. I know that I have people who care about me, people who love and respect me. Yet, most of all the ones who have the most problem with me is me. WHY? I’m willing to defend for other people and other causes, but when it comes to me, it’s like I shouldn’t, even though I know deep down that I am worth it.

I honestly don’t know why. And that is a journey itself that I must go on and at the moment I can not share about.

Whenever I think about something, like in my head, I can always come with a counterargument. Like for an example, if I think say “That person has nice shoes.” I immediately feel guilty for thinking that, even though I have no reason to! I would then think of someone who would probably argue with me and tell me, “oh she doesn’t have great shoes.” And then I would proceed to feel sad and weak, and then think myself, maybe that person is right. And all of this would be in my head! There would be no actual real argument or conversation. It’s emotionally and mentally tiring and draining, yet I would continue to do it, and I don’t know why. Writing this down makes me realize how silly this all is.

It’s as if I can’t be my own person and that I’m not allow to think for myself, which is silly. I realize that no matter what you believe in, there will always be some counterarguments for it. And I realize. That’s ok. It doesn’t necessarily make it wrong or invalid. Thoughts, beliefs, and opinions are what they are. There will be people who oppose them. Yet, there is a reason why you believe them for a reason. You have to trust yourself. People need to realize that having a certain belief or opinion does not mean that you are right or wrong. I need to realize this too. It’s an opinion, that’s what it is. For instance, say,”I believe that red is the best color in the world.”There might be people who think blue is the best or purple, green, or whatever. Does that make my opinion of red is the best color in the world wrong? No. But does it make them wrong for believing otherwise? No. It’s just an opinion. 

Living for other people will start getting tired. You will slowly and over time grow angry at the world if you haven’t. You will probably end up growing gray or white hairs. You will grow restless. Basically you won’t be happy. You will be soulless and you will have dark clouds over your head and ruin the mood for everyone.

Something I realize these past few days is that everyone has their own flaws and quirks. Everyone has insecurities. Let that sink in. In other words, there is something everyone is struggling with. You know what that means? No one is perfect. No one is better than anyone else. That person you think who has it altogether, you know great hair, grades, clothes, job, talents, etc is probably struggling with something that we can’t conceive. And who knows, it might be silly to us! But it’s big to them.

I believe that once you come into terms with your flaws and start accepting them, the less you need to worry or even think about how others perceive you. By then, it won’t matter.

You can say screw them! Although that’s not the best way to go about life, but you feel me?

I know I have a long road ahead of me when it comes to self-acceptance. It might take a year, two, five, or even ten years from now for me to accept myself fully.

But people always told me that in the end it all adds up. Self-improvement even a little bit is always better than none at all. Try not to think so much of the end destination or results, but the journey.

Also, finally I want to say, confide in someone, talking to someone usually helps, for me it almost always have. You are not alone in the world. Humans are social creatures after all. Don’t be afraid to get help. Don’t be afraid to confide in. You are not weak. You are strong.

Always love yourself. You are worth loving. You are special maybe not to everyone, but at least to one person, and that one person counts, because they care about you.

I also need to realize and everyone too, not everyone is going to like you( I know! Shocker. But it’s true) You are not going to be the most well-liked or popular person. Not everyone wants to be your friends. Not everyone will agree with you. But if there is one person who cares about you or even a few friends, then honestly that is all that matters.

I’m realizing this more and more that you CANNOT please everyone. If you do, then you are amazing, but that means that you are FAKE.  It also means you have serious major acting skill and no identity, no real personality. You will end up hurting at least one person. It also means that you are not authentic. And most of all people will end up finding out that you are not genuine and then NO ONE will like you in the end.

I thought these quotes were pretty cool. 🙂

“You’ll never be able to find yourself if you’re lost in someone else.” -Colleen Hoover

“He not busy being born is busy dying.” Bob Dylan

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” Ralph Ellison

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu (I thought this one was beautiful, I kinda wanted to cry.)

Keep on loving yourself, my friends!

I too will work on loving myself.